When I attempt to embody the headspace of a submissive, I often find myself falling short. I’ll resist being ordered around, laugh at those who attempt to dominate me, and roll my eyes at orders. While this undoubtedly has much to do with my desire to remain in control, it may also be because I don’t particularly enjoy pain or humiliation at all. Certainly, I love to be spanked and flogged. But beyond that, when I begin to lose my composure and sense of agency, when I feel my sense of pride rear its head, I’m unable to yield any further. I enjoy being dominant so much – in large part – because it allows me to watch others reach a point that I cannot reach myself.
As a result, theories about why people are submissive fascinate me. Dominance, I get. It makes perfect sense to me. But submission is less obvious. Sure, I understand that some people enjoy the feeling of letting go, losing autonomy temporarily, surrendering to pain. Conceptually, I can grasp it, and I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who are able to do so. There is a special place in my heart for submissive men, who not only let go of their own power, but also are able to dismiss the cultural expectations of masculinity – if just for a couple of hours.
Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist, suggests that there is a distinction between the “experiencing self” and “remembering self”. He suggests that our memories of an overall experience may be vastly different than our in-the-moment experience – depending on the beginning, climax, and ending. This explains why people run multiple marathons in their lifetime; the feeling of having accomplished it manages to erase the actual pain of the process.
This is one viable theory about how a submissive (note: not masochist; they enjoy pain) is able to derive pleasure from anticipating being dominated/tortured/tormented, and also enjoy the end (e.g., orgasm, aftercare, etc.); they don’t mind if the actual current experience is unpleasant. I, however, am rather protective of my experiencing self. The accomplishment of finishing a half marathon did not exactly overshadow the pain and frustration of running it. Similarly, relinquishing my control simply doesn’t seem worth it for the pleasure I may or may not derive at the end. In other words, the incentive to submit is not as strong for me as it is for natural submissives.
