I absolutely adore Freud. I know that probably doesn’t come as a shock to anyone who knows me. But c’mon – despite the fact that some of his theories have been debunked – the man was an absolute GENIUS! He basically invented the idea of the subconscious, which is still widely utilized as a means of understanding our thoughts and actions. Despite my love for him, and my firm belief that he was right about a lot more than we care to admit, I remain hesitant about the whole “blame your mother” bit. Yes, the family of origin plays a huge part in shaping who we are, but many of his theories, like the Oedipus complex, are fallible. Still, there’s something deliciously seductive about picking apart the people who raised us in order to understand the parts of ourselves that we can’t get a handle on.
Throughout the years, I’ve managed to interpret many of the moments in my life that shaped who I am today. However, there is something about my sexuality that I cannot seem to grasp: my inability to lose control in the presence of another person. Despite all my kinky exploits, I am almost never capable of losing control – regardless of the role I am playing. Whether I’m submissive or dominant, I’m constantly thinking about my partner’s mindset – to the point that I am often unable to reach the level of ruthlessness and selfish abandon that is necessary for complete pleasure.
Here’s one psychoanalytic theory that resonates: my father has a very short temper. He was absolutely never abusive, but he gets explosively angry about the most inconsequential things, and I often found myself walking on eggshells around him, for fear of setting him off. I was afraid of being the cause of his erratic mood swings, and so I developed a sense of omnipotence: I had the power to provoke him and make him lose control, therefore I have to continually monitor myself around people so as not to incite displeasure.
This has since amalgamated into a desire to do everything in my power to please my partner. If he wants me to be submissive, I enjoy the submission. If he wants me to be dominant, I enjoy the dominance. As long as his excitement is under my influence, as long as I can take the reigns while he loses control, I feel safe enough to be turned on. The problem with this is that I am sometimes uncertain whether I am doing what I want or simply complying with my partner, because my desires are often conflated with his. The onus is completely on me to distinguish these two things, but sometimes I am wrong, and find myself feeling hurt and betrayed. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to please my partner; this is an essential aspect of fulfilling sex. But I have to be careful not to place blame anywhere other than myself.
