1) I cry a little bit at everything, but not enough for catharsis.
You name it, I’ll cry about it. Animal rescue video on Facebook? Throat tightens. Car commercial in which someone seems unquestionably happy? Eyes water. Song that reminds me of college? A sob escapes.
2) I feel completely alone, even when I’m with people.
Especially when I’m with people.
3) It’s like I’ve forgotten how to socialize.
And every word I say has to roll around in my head, calculated and presented for the jury, before it’s uttered. “Is that too morose?” “Can this person handle my death rumination?” “They’re going through their own shit, don’t burden them.”
4) My body does not feel like mine.
Even when I orgasm, it’s not really my orgasm. Exercising is mechanical, that’s not my sweat, that’s my armpit’s sweat. These are not my fingers typing.
5) Nothing tastes delicious.
The only thing I really want to eat is chocolate, and even chocolate isn’t satisfying because I don’t taste it, not really. My tongue is not my own. My taste buds are not connecting to my brain.
6) My skin crawls when I’m around people I don’t care about.
I have zero interest in interactions with strangers. I don’t find anyone engaging. I am put out by any interaction that forces me to smile.
7) I hate everything I encounter for two full, furious seconds before I shut it down.
“How dare this person stand in front of my apartment building.” “Why does this asshole get to take up two subway seats?” “Who gave you permission to laugh?” “Those are the stupidest shoes I’ve ever seen.”
8) I feel so disconnected that I can’t even access myself enough to write something.
Words do not flow easily. Each word is weighed down with doubt. This is the worst thing I’ve ever written.
9) I get angry at myself for getting angry at myself.
We’re supposed to be kind to ourselves. Would I talk to a friend like this? Love yourself, you unbearably boring bitch.
10) I fall asleep at 7pm whenever possible.
And wake up at 2am in a sweat, furious that I can’t sleep a full 12 hours every night, so at least half of my life would be spent unconscious.
11) There’s an unshakeable heaviness in my heart.
This body that I’m carrying around feels like it weighs 500 pounds. It’s not mine, but I have to carry it wherever I go.
12) I am numb.
My feelings are 60% loneliness, 30% anger, and 10% sadness, but I only know this from being in therapy for so long, not because I can actually feel them right now.
And with that, I’m all out of words.
